Missing on a Melancholy day…

Do you ever have days where you just…miss??? I don’t mean miss a particular person, a specific place, or a material thing. But just miss…really everything-anything. Today I had one of those days. I miss…

When all my sisters and I were close-real tight. We obviously go through our ups and downs but this down seems to be extending longer than usual. I have come to realize over the course of my life, that my sisters are like air for me. They keep me feeling and thinking and loving. If I lost one of my sisters…a part of me would die. That sounds ever so dramatic, but I believe it to be true. I think, I hope that all five of us know that we are there for each other if we are in need. We may not (at least some of us) be super close at the moment, but I could pick up the phone and they would be here in an instant if I asked.

I miss my best friend Rachel. She is like one of my sisters-but she’s different-not exactly the same. There’s not that security that she HAS to love me-unconditionally. But I think it’s understood. Does that make sense? Memories of Rachel include sharing a room on the second floor at my parent’s house Junior year of high school. We stayed up late talking and even thought we knew we would be exhausted in the morning, we still never seemed to learn. I think of the hours and hours we have spent over the years laughing and talking and telling each other our secrets. I know her handwriting-I recognize it like it’s the most familiar thing in my life. I remember her writing me letters and telling me she loves me and she will “count the ways” and would number the reasons she loved me. She is the only individual that isn’t my blood that understands the complexity that is my family. There are many things I don’t have to explain or fill in the blanks-she just gets it. We have our ups and downs but I think, or I hope she knows that she is still and always will be my soul mate-my person.

I miss when my Grandpa’s mind wasn’t going. He has always been sharp and “hip” for a man his age. He always reminds me that he did a three sixty with me on the back of his jet ski at Bass Lake when he was 70 years old. He has always said to us girls, “you pretty thing you”. He never says it anymore and often forgets when he last saw me. He is doing pretty great for an eighty five year old but it’s still hard.  Have you ever missed someone that is still around? I know that when he passes I will ache for him like I’ve never ached for anything in my life. I am extremely blessed to have never lost anyone close to me. I have never experienced a death near me. Rachel’s dad dying was the closest person to me dying. I wasn’t even close to him but I think it hit me because I knew it broke Rachel’s heart permanently. When I lose my Grandpa, it will be the first death in my life and it will be so difficult. I adore my Grandpa. I simply adore him.

I miss when Christmas was still magical. I can’t remember when the magic started to fade but I am aware that it is inevitable that with age, Christmas changes. I remember when my Grandparents lived in their old house. The creepy big house that holds hundreds of childhood memories. I remember walking into their house on Christmas Eve and seeing the gifts extend from under the tree and all the way up the steps. The gifts were everywhere. We always knew we would get everything we had dreamed of and more. There was almost always a garage gift as well. We would finish opening our gifts and then Grandparents would announce there were more surprises in the garage. Garage gifts included: a battery operated Porsche for us to drive, a ping pong and foosball table, giant dollhouses, and any other magical gift you can imagine. I remember the first year I actually paid attention to what others received. I remember my mom’s wedding band was stolen over the summer when I was little. It was so precious to her because it had little tiny diamonds from her mom and words inscribed inside the band. I remember one year my Dad had my mom open boxes and boxes starting from a huge box to a tiny little box that held a brand new ring. It was so beautiful and so romantic to watch my mom’s face light up and tears stream down her face. My parents have always been so romantic. Christmas is still my favorite time of the year but it isn’t what it once was.

Right now I have my new pineapple orchid candle from Bath and Body Works burning to my left and Logan laying next to me on the right. Sex and the City is on the tv and I am aware that I have a blessed life. I may struggle with things, but I am blessed. There are just some days that are more melancholy than others. Today is one of those days…

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