I hate change…

It’s my favorite time of the year. I am the biggest Christmas junkie ever. You have no idea. I live for Christmas music on 98.9, Christmas decorations at Riverpark, and my lit tree in my living room. Today is like my Friday. We had camp for the kids we work with this week and it’s finally over. The next four days are to just relax and enjoy the holidays. This Christmas is different. It’s sad how things change and I hate change…always have. But it’s inevitable. It’s about as inevitable as Christmas coming around every year. But I can never seem to be prepared for it. You would think I would be constantly bracing for impact at this point as far as change goes. But no. I choose to keep believing that amazing things happen to those who love and try to do whats right. But we can’t control what other’s do. It sucks that other’s choices affect us and we have no control over it. We can only control how we respond. Note to self: I am responsible for my response to how others choices affect me. I seem to be taught this over and over and my temper and desire for justice always seems to kick in and take over instead of letting go and recognizing that people will make their own choices and we can’t stop them. I know I am being vague but perhaps it’s good to be vague because maybe someone will run across this entry and somehow my vague rantings will apply to someone else’s own story. I wonder what God thinks when we go up and down with our relationship with Him. How does he handle the hurt when one minute I am crying out to Him, desiring a closer relationship and the next minute allowing my human self to take over and take control. If it’s this hard for me to handle others being inconsistent, selfish, and hurtful, how must I hurt God? Thats a humbling thought. Maybe I should be more concerned with how my decisions affect others and especially God. But still, as human, I can’t pretend I’m not angry. I just talked with one of my clients today about anger. She battles being aggressive when she gets angry. I told her, “me too”. I may not hit or punch a hole in the wall, but I manage to act like a five year old in other ways. It’s humbling to tell one of my clients that the very goal she is working toward is mine as well. I think it’s important to keep it real with kids. Especially the kids that are real and have an understanding of the real world. It’s important to not act like we have it all together. I am a work in progress. Are we ever not a work in progress? I can’t remember ever feeling I had it all together or figured out. I hope I never do. I’m going to hold on to the precious, steadfast things in my life this holiday and try to let go of the things that are changing and out of my control. My relationship with my man is stable and strong. God is stable and strong. In a way we can never fathom. He is faithful and He waits for us no matter how far off track we go. Logan is steadfast:) He will want food, need to pee, and follow me up and down my apartment everyday without fail. My kids I work with have ups and downs but I’m something steadfast in their lives. Thats good. I feel good about that. Well, enough of my randomness. Merry Christmas Eve eve…

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